It's not a fantasy any more, dude

A reader wrote to me a few weeks ago asking about his weird and sad problem.

I know, I know, it’s all weird problems around here. Infidelity is hard enough on couples, with all the confusing feelings and conflicting appetites.

Add in that at least one partner wants the other to be unfaithful and it gets strange, fast.

But this one crossed a line. A line I see more and more men walking each year.

It makes me sad and a little angry to see this happening to men.

My message to men is simple.

Any dirty fantasy that revolves around destroying your self-esteem, crapping on your self-image, and reveling in the darkest, meanest, nastiest thoughts and feelings — thoughts and feelings you would NEVER direct at another human being — is not good for you.

Not at all.

I write about unfaithful partners, usually women, in consenting, loving relationships. Married or not, just dating, boyfriend-girlfriend, engaged, whatever. There’s always a risk, and a temptation, to look for greener pastures in somebody else’s bed.

I’m totally cool with that. I think that there’s a real place for this kind of exploration in your bedroom, if you and your SO are down with it.

That was exactly the problem with the poor guy who wrote in to me.

He wasn’t really down with it at all.

His wife (I think, he didn’t say they were married) decided for him.

One day, out of nowhere, she tells him they’re going to have a break because she wants to see other people.

Within the week she’s going out with friends until the early hours.

They’re no longer sharing a bed. She’s ended all affection with him.

It’s obvious that she’s getting some on the side.

But this guy, who was totally blindsided, is putting up with it. He wants to let her get it out of her system.

Look.

There’s nasty sex that you perform together with your partner.

Then there’s a cheating bee-itch.

My correspondent is not living a kinky “hotwife” lifestyle.

He’s being cheated on. His relationship has ended. That’s it. That’s the story.

Men, you must understand this: Finding her unfaithful ways arousing, according to the little fella down there in your pants, does not mean that cheating stops existing in your world.

You get your rocks off imagining her with other guys. Okay. Then what?

The reason I write about infidelity and dating is to help you understand that line.

I don’t want to see men taken advantage of. I don’t like it when a man is so blinded by sexual excitement that he can’t see reality in front of him. I sure don’t like sexual fantasies that are so focused on negative energies that it’s no longer about satisfaction.

Play and explore to the limits of your comfort zones. Together. With each other.

But understand that you are not living the dream when you are being abused.

Take pride in yourself. Own your filthy mind, if you have one. Honor your relationship. Respect yourself as much as your partner.

If you want your relationship to work, this is not negotiable. No matter how exciting you find it right now.

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Be good to each other (for real) ;-)

xoxo
~ Bella Blaze

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