A young lady asked if she'd been brainwashed

Reddit is a confessional gold-mine for stories about cheaters, unfaithful relationships, dealing with infidelity in its negative and positive forms.

Case in point, I read a story there today about a young lady who wondered if her desire for strict monogamy weren’t part of a “brainwashing” campaign.

I see what she means using that word, but I don’t like it when we’re talking about cultural traditions.

Brainwashing is what evil cult leaders do when they assemble a flock.

It involves many different techniques to isolate, separate, and control the very thoughts and movements of their victims. Lots of rituals, repetitive mantras, and social shaming rituals.

Some of that is found “organically” in any happy and healthy community.

Norms of monogamy included.

I don’t want to get too down on monogamy, because it serves its purpose. Humans need strong, stable, one-on-one romantic and emotional and sexual connections with each other.

The problem with monogamy isn’t… the monogamy.

It’s the dogmatic belief that inflexible monogamy in every respect is mandatory…

… and anyone who doesn’t live up to that standard is guilty of shameful acts.

Like I told this young lady…

… there's also a lot of "use cases" for exploring different types of non-monogamy. It's never (or rarely) as simple as pairing up and Happily Ever After like the romance novels and rom-coms tell you.

Ask yourself if this is familiar:

You grow up going to church, reading fairy tales, and watching cartoon princesses. They all preach to you that your relationship goal is marriage, with one man married to one woman.

The life-goal of the female heroine is always to land that special guy and rope him into marriage.

Happily Ever After, The End.

Does it ever work out like that?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The brainwashing part happens when people absorb all of these ideas, freeze them in place, and never even doubt them as they grow older.

And then when they do meet someone who explores the more delightful sides of non-monogamy, they act right on script.

“Oh she’s just a slut.”

Even adult women, making their own choices, often hear that nagging voice. You’re being a slut, it says. You can experience the guilt and shame of peer pressure even without the peers.

Monogamy is a thing, and an important thing. But it doesn’t have to be an absolute rule. There are ways for couples to be flexible on this. Many of them end up with closer and stronger connections thanks to their open-minded explorations.

Your monogamous relationship is like the foundation of a building. Without it, you have no stable ground. You can fool around with other people, sure, but you will miss out on all the very real benefits — for each of you — of having a loving, caring, genuine connection.

That doesn’t mean that you can never even think of encounters with other people, if you both desire it.

I write a lot about this, my lovely reader, which is the real purpose of your relationship — no matter what path you choose to walk.

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Be good to each other 😉

xoxo
~ Bella Blaze

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